Monday, October 15, 2012

honest thoughts on being content

I don't even know how to begin writing about the things on my heart lately.

I'm in a major funk.

I miss our home in Hawaii more than I even thought I would. I miss our friends there and the life we built there. I miss being excited about going to church. 

I miss painting. I miss being creative-- having the time, energy and inspiration for artwork. I honestly thought I'd have opened my shop back up by now, but I haven't picked up a paintbrush. 

I miss having great blog posts-- feeling excited to share things with you! I'm bored by my own blog some days.

I miss feeling relevant in the lives of those around me-- both in real life and online.



I get that most of this is "normal" for a new mom. My life has changed dramatically in the past few months and I understood even before Silas arrived that I'd probably go through some of this. And I totally get that it's just a season.

But those realizations don't dull the ache that rises in my heart when I wish I could introduce Si to our Hawaii ohana, or when I see my blog/artist friends coming up with fabulous new ideas and I'm a dry well over here. They don't keep me from wishing away our short time here in Florida.

I'm willing my heart to be content. I'm praying that I won't miss the blessings and opportunities that God has placed around me here and now. I'm praying that in this time where I'm figuring out this new identity and place in life, I'll remember that I'm a daughter of the Risen King and I'm relevant and loved by Him in bigger ways than I can even imagine here on earth.

These are things I have to do daily because gosh, it's hard somedays over here.

(Oh, and meanwhile, I'm also praying that we'll somehow find $1,000+ in the budget to go back to visit our Oahu home soon. Hey, you never know!)

Thoughts? Have you ever had to move away from a beloved home? Have you felt that identity shift after becoming a new mama? How have you dealt with a creative dry spell?



61 comments:

  1. I'm not a mom, so I don't understand this part of the transition yet, but I do understand moving and missing home more than you thought you would. It is hard to be far away from the people you created a life with. I hope you make it back soon, and I know that if you keep your attitude of blessed-ness you will find peace soon.

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  2. I moved a little over a year ago with my family. It's a hard thing. You are leaving everything familiar...relationships that took years to build.I know a thing or two about dry creative spells too. Being a new mom is hard...it just is and I know you know all the right things to tell yourself. Just trust that you are in a quiet season. It won't always be like this. Praying you do find that peace as you adjust to the new.

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  3. I'm not a mom. I haven't moved lately, except into an apartment down the road from my parents and friends. But I am having an incredibly difficult time with myself lately and who I am. Most of my friends are married. The others like to go out and party all the time, which is not my current pastime choice. I'm in a rut with my job and just feel alone a lot. I am trying to tell myself on a daily basis the same things you are. I can't offer advice, just encouragement. Your open honesty makes me feel a little less alone, just knowing that other people go through these "ruts" as well. I'm praying that you can take time to enjoy these beautiful moments with your darling boy and focus less on what's missing. That you'll find inner peace and happiness with the new direction your life has taken. Thank you for sharing with us.

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  4. Hi Lindsay! My baby is 6 weeks old today and I have another daughter thats 4 years old. I TOTALLY understand where you are right now. My oldest is adopted and 2 years ago when I became a Mom to her suddenly I had new duties. It was a strange transition, somehow we made it work. My husband is in the Navy and in our 4 years of service we've had 4 duty stations! Moving is hard and it never gets easier... especially for me, I get attached SO easily! As far as being a new mom of 2 kids, I've been struggling A LOT. I honestly thought that PPD was a little bit of an excuse and thought women were just being drama queens. HOWEVER, I now eat my words because these hormones are ridiculous. There are so many days I get so overwhelmed and feel like I'm just not enough for this house or my kids. I too miss my creative outlet - I'm a baker. My husband got me a Cricut Cake Cutter for my birthday a few days ago and I don't even know where to start! I wish I had more ideas and inspiration but it is so hard to find. A friend told me something the other day that made me feel SO much better... it really clicked with me. She said, "Every Parent has those days....chin up, its those few Very Special moments that really make it all worth while! ....(of course they seem to mostly be bedtimes;) lol..
    It is the constant perseverance and stability Every Day that eventually work when raising Children ....Never give up and Never think you are doing it wrong or worse than any others, you'll find your niche in this parenting thing;) - until then, rant away - that's what friends and family are for;-)"

    It's really helped me since she said that. I try to do one thing at a time and I now realize that I'm doing the best I can and this IS a learning process. I have to remind myself that being a Mommy to a newborn is new to me, being a Mommy to 2 kids is new, and managing a house, 2 kids, and being a good wife all at the same time is new to me also. I've also been searching Pinterest for fun, creative, & fairly quick projects that I can do while my oldest is at school and hopefully the youngest is sleeping. ;)

    I'm sorry for the long shpeel! I just read this and felt like I knew exactly how you felt! So please, if you ever want to blab away to a Mama who knows what you're going through, feel free to contact me! I follow you on IG, too. :) bridgestewart on IG & I will email you so you have my email address. :)

    FEEL BETTER and take one thing at a time! And pick a fun little project to tap into your creative side again. It will make you feel so much better. Heck, pick up a coloring book and crayons for a small step in the right direction. <3

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  5. Oh Lindsay! Yes! Yes! and YES! We moved to Chicago 6 weeks before Grayson, our second, was born. Although we prayed and prayed for a "place" here, I am just now realizing the Lord's gracious and full faithfulness in that time. It is painful to go through so many changes at once. Your heart is in the perfect place - prayer. I'm praying with and for you too. One foot in front of the other. One moment at a time. Grace, grace, grace. I can't wait to see the Lord grow you through this and because of this. He's a great God and His love never fails. Ever. Big BIG hug! Oh, and thanks for being so honest with us.

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  6. Something that helps me whenever I get into a funk, feel aimless or restless, is to actively place my focus on the things in my life that I'm thankful for. It's easy to say "of course there is so much good around me, of course I'm thankful" but to intentionally acknowledge and honor those things helps me to take the energy I was previously spending on "all the things I don't have" and redirect it to "all the things that make my heart sing" no matter what the season.

    For instance, I spent two years living with my great aunt and uncle when I was getting settled into a new job in southern California. Rent was (and still is) astronomical and I just couldn't afford to live anywhere on my own. I hated it at times, but only because I'd been living on my own for 6 years prior and I just felt like I'd completely lost my independence, instead of being grateful to them for providing me a way to start a new chapter of my life in a seriously awesome beach town.

    Whenever I got really frustrated about it, I forced myself to take out a piece of paper and write down all of the things that I had the ability to do or not do (she did all the grocery shopping, meal planning and preparing! miss that for sure.) that I wouldn't always have. And I would walk the half a mile to the beach (which I haven't done since I moved out 6 months ago) and focus on all the things I was grateful for. It's not going to change anything about your current situation, sometimes it's out of our hands, but it's just a tool to help shift your focus.

    And you're in this season for a reason, even if you don't know what it is yet :) Hang in there, mama!

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  7. hey, friend. i'll be praying for you (i really mean this!) - and though, i'm not a momma, i can relate to the whole moving aspect having been a military brat. though those were some of the hardest times (especially as a teenager) i can look back at those hard days with some fondness because God used those days to get my attention.

    and what i have personally been wrestling through and trying to grasp myself is to savor the season that i am in now. i think it's a lesson that we can all learn to hold on to a little bit longer no matter the season we are in.

    love you and hope i get to hug your neck this Christmastime!

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  8. Oh Lindsay, I have so been right where you are! My husband and I have moved 3 times in the past 5 years, and had a baby in between. You are not alone! All I know about those aches for familiarity and excitement is that they pushed me closer to Jesus. And for that I couldn't complain. I know you know that, and I know that sometimes knowing that doesn't always mean you feel it, but I thought I'd throw that out there. :) When Veda Jane was brand new I just forced myself to go out and do something. I needed to get out and about, even if it's just going to a coffee shop- you'll start to feel like you are a part of the world again! You have this one unique and momentous purpose right now- to give life to that baby boy! That is an adventure that makes you oh so very relevant!

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  9. Hi Linds Girl.... love your post. Thanks for being so true to yourself. Your transparency and genuine heart blesses me and so many! We miss you, here! Not the same without you and your sweet family. Ohhhh... we'll be praying some extra $$$, airlines miles, or something falls into your lap soon... how we'd love have you guys back on island for a bit. We are all LOVING Si from a distance. WE ALL love you and miss you! xoxo

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  10. Oh, hun. I know this feeling all too well. I feel like until very recently, I had been going through it for almost 2 years. It's so hard to be content with the season you're in, when it's lacking creativity, motivation, and community. I'll be praying for you and for the next season God is waiting to reveal to you. Love you so much!

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  11. I know. :-/ Inspiration comes in waves after you have a little one. In fact, life comes in waves, in seasons. Now might be winter in some parts of your life, but spring in others. So hold on during these turning of the seasons, the blessings that the Lord has given, the knowledge that He will give again, and the peace that He gives in every season.

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  12. It was hard for me too after having my 1st. It took a while to figure out my new routine and feel comfortable with motherhood, new life and new adventures. We moved away from California and it made me so sad, I still miss it every day and it's been 2 years. It does get easier to settle into motherhood, but every stage is new and different.

    Praying for you sweet girl!!!!

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  13. What we just talked about this morning. :) Praying for you as you navigate this new life and identity. The painting desire will come back and better than ever, promise! God does a major work in you when you become a mom. It just doesn't always feel awesome in the process. I am here as a listening ear and a heart that knows the brokenheartedness one feels after leaving a place they love. Lots of hugs!

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  14. The only question I can answer is the one about a creative dry spell. And what you need to do is pick up your paintbrush. Seriously. Sounds relatively simple, right? Even if you feel like you're in a funk pink of the brush and just mindlessly do something with it. Kind of like when a writer just starts writing for 10 minutes, writing anything that comes to mind. It gets the juices flowing. And even if it's not the best thing ever written (or painted) it's something. It'll get you started.

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  15. definitaly. I'm a military brat...i've constantly moved. I also planned a wedding while being apart from all my friends, and have had a baby in a city that I'm not fully rooted in yet. I miss San Diego (my home), and my old community. It is a season and we'll get through it!

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  16. These are great blog posts because they're real. Luckily you have readers who care about you and not judging what you're posting! I'm not content in my season either, but maybe we can all get through this together! You're so great.

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  17. I have zero advice - because I think I'll be right in your shoes come 2 months when we move right after we have the baby! I will say that my parents moved a lot growing up and my Mom said making friends and connections was easier with a baby because of Moms groups, playdates, etc. So maybe you will have some luck creating a community that way? Regardless, no one expects you to be busy on a blog or painting while you adjust. Hope the coming weeks bring new creativity and refreshment to your life! Stephanie

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  18. I moved to France from California when my first son was 5 months old. So ya, it's hard. Nothing makes it easier, but just hang in there, love that baby, love your husband, and it will get better. Just part of being a mama. It's hard to begin with then you add the move and it makes it so much harder. Hang in there!

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  19. love your sweet sweet heart. thanks for being vulnerable and real. You ARE so relevant. this post in itself - it is relevant.r

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  20. I've felt creative and dry. I've moved away from everyone I knew. The waiting, the time, the feels-like-forever loneliness. I have no words of encouragement for you, other than what you already know; that God is in this moment, that He has something for you here.

    Thank you so much for sharing your heart in this! I'm a few months behind you, baby-wise, and hadn't even thought to prepare myself for these types of feelings, although I'm sure they'll hit. Oh, and even though I don't generally believe it when others tell me, I still appreciate your posts, even the ones you think are boring! Peace, sister!

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  21. This post reminds me of how I felt when my daughter was itty bitty. We live away from family and friends. Of our friends here, we are the only ones who have a child. It was all very isolating at first, and I was so sleep-deprived that I honestly didn't know if I would ever find time to resume my hobbies, my creative outlets.

    Please hear me that things will get better. Your creativity will return. Honestly, I'm not sure that the longing for Oahu will go away, but you will make new friends and ease into a new routine. The best thing you can do is give yourself some time to grieve the things you miss. Cut yourself some slack; I love reading your blog, and no temporary funk will change that!

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  22. I'm not a mama, but I did just move to another country. I feel lonely and homesick and as much as I'm trying to soak up the amazing experience I miss my friends that I can't even call on the phone anymore. Sometimes I just want to talk to *my* mom and I can't because I have to schedule a skype date to do that.

    So, I get it. It's weird watching things happen from afar and some days I have to convince myself that I *am* a friend that's far away not a forgotten, irrelevent friend. And it is slowly, slowly, getting better! You can do this! And, as someone whose lived in FL, I know that its one of those places that has a lot of hidden treasure. Not as obviously beautiful as Hawaii, but definitely has character.

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  23. Lindsay,

    I've been where you are. In the past 4 years, I've moved to New Jersey(had a baby boy), back to my home state of Minnesota, the Netherlands (had a baby girl) and finally dreary Scotland, where I am now. So, I've had that post-baby born exhaustion, and I've had it away from the family and friends I treasure most. It happens. It gets really hard. You maybe feel like you wonder when your creative juices will return? They will. I'm sure you know this is all part of His plan for you.

    And something I can promise you. Once you get done with this 'phase' of life. You'll look back and realize that it made you stronger and that when you look back on it? It's not as bad as it was 'in the moment'.

    Please, please don't pressure yourself to enjoy everything right now, just enjoy Silas and treasure the moments that you have with him now, because before long he'll be running away from hugs and climbing on furniture. ;) You can always go back to Florida for a visit or to see things you thought you might have missed while you were there. But you'll never get to replay your time with Silas. Maybe do some 'its the little things' posts to document the little things he does and what you are enjoying about FL and life right now?

    Okay enough with the 'words of advice'. You likely don't even know them, because you are praying and trusting God and that's what really matters. Oh, and I'll be praying that you find $1K on the street for a trip to Hawaii. :)

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  24. Hi Lindsay - I've read your blog for a while but this is the first time I've commented. Reading your blog during the beginning of 2012 while I was in a rut was a true blessing in my life…so a virtual belated thank you being sent your way!
    I tried to rewrite the following list a couple times & shorten it up…finally got tired, gave up, so here it is - which doesn’t sound very optimistic and I shouldn’t probably admit in my first comment on your blog – oh well, keeping it real, ha! Hmmm...just tried posting and have exceeded character limit so will be posting this in two sections.
    1. Recognize motherhood is glorified and romanticized in our culture. Not to dismiss or discredit the many wonderful things about motherhood…mothers are superheros in MANY ways. However, in my opinion, many mothers have a bad habit of talking only about the good and not talking about the challenging situations with their kiddos. I think that’s why I found this post so refreshing – you’re willing to talk about the challenges. Here's a post that will hopefully make you laugh - 27 Reasons Why Kids Are Actually The Worst - http://www.buzzfeed.com/mattbellassai/27-reasons-why-kids-are-actually-the-worst-6z51
    2. Here's an article on postpartum depression - http://www.mnn.com/family/babies-pregnancy/blogs/overcoming-postpartum-depression
    Not suggesting you have PPD, just thought it might be helpful to remember the many things that are happening in your life and in your body...especially remember that your hormones are going crazy right now and it may feel like they’re temporarily betraying you - eek!

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  25. 3. As you already know, nothing stays the same forever (I’ve sure wished many times that they would stay the same for-ev-er when things have been on a really fun, energizing, HIGH note!) Easy to laugh off when things are going well and not so easy when things are painfully slow and the uncertainty of knowing when things are going to change is so unnerving. I recently emerged from a lengthy rut...and have gone through a couple ruts in the past. One thing I've noticed is that my empathy and compassion almost always strengthen, often others can relate to me in a deeper, more genuine way, and slowly (painfully slowly at times) I've learned over time to be more patient with myself and my expectations.
    4. A great way to help get out of your rut may be to throw an ohana cyber party! (Your gender reveal party made me think of this). Set up a skype date with your Hawaiian friends - you could send out electronic invitations or create an evite so people could RSVP. Pull out your wasabi tape cake banner, other decorations you used, and photo props from your gender reveal party if you still have them…I think I may be hearing Si say he’d love to show off the pink boa and princess tiara for your Hawaiian girlfriends to see! :) Make some of the same food and have your Hawaiian friends do the same on their end. Include Chris too if he's game & has time or keep it just to your girlfriends if that feels like more fun...at least for your first cyber party. If it’s a success, maybe more cyber Skype parties will be in your future?! Might consider inviting some of your Florida friends over to “meet” your Hawaiian friends during future cyber parties.
    My husband's family lives in India...I'll actually meet my FIL and BIL for the first time in person next month when we travel to India (my first time in Asia). My hubby & I have been married for 1.5 years and have dated for 3 years. Even though the Skype feed sometimes delays, it's wonderful to see my in-law’s smiling faces and body gestures. It’s been wonderful during the past three years while I've needed to exercise patience in waiting to meet them in person. Plus, I love skyping with my 6 year old nephew. I met him in person when he came to visit with my SIL and MIL in July 2011. I call my nephew "my shadow" because we bonded so quickly and he ended up following me everywhere - "Auntie Dana brings the fun!" - that kid knows how to make my heart smile! It’s fun to celebrate special occasions or announcements (I put up a few streamers on the wall behind our computer, and my hubby and I wear party hats and blow some noise makers). I think you’ll find your creative, party planning side emerges once you start thinking of all the possibilities…
    5. I love Si's nursery theme and you’ve inspired me to do something similar! My husband and I first kissed while watching the movie, "UP", and we really hope our future children embrace silliness, childlike curiosity throughout life, and a sense of adventure! I don't know your Hawaiian family but for some reason envision them saying, "Thanks for the adventure - now go have a new one!” http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wsG2S_1PRnk&feature=endscreen&NR=1
    Hope some of these ideas were helpful…or just made you smile. Your blog will continue to be a bright spot in my week as I catch glimpses of you and your family’s journey and you continue to refresh and inspire just by being you. :)

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  26. Thank you for writing this, sweet Lindsay. I think you are meeting a lot of women right where they are at, and that my friend, is the best kind of relevant you can be. I know this is right where I am at and it eased my heart a bit to know that I'm not alone. Since moving to Japan and feeling somewhat alone and isolated and very uninspired this verse has been speaking into my heart: The Lord will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail. Isaiah 58:11. Praying that the Lord meets us all in our sun-scorched lands of tiredness, uninspiredness, loneliness. Praying for refreshment of your soul and your creativity. Luckily, we can be confident that God provides exactly what we need in the season that we need it. Thankful for you heart and your words, friend!

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  27. Hi. Yes, we mourn the death of a certain amount of individuality when we become mothers. But dare I say-- since the word says children are a blessing, then it is a shift towards our sanctification. We are always moving toward who he made us to be. Enjoy your baby. I suggest do sleeping and nursing. Your creativity will flair again --- maybe through a different medium. Bless you...

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  28. YOU are being creative in a new way!. Believe me, I and others understand... You will soon agree that I am right... Sure, u can't do what you use to do, but you are a MOM now, before you weren't... Before u know it you will get back into what you did before... You may be blessed w/a great napper! and if not, he may be patient and quiet and be watching what you do!. Patience is the key! ;-)

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  29. Oh beautiful Lindsay, I understand. While I haven't had to deal with the identity shift of being a new mom, I have had to with being a new wife. My husband came home from Hawaii to help me pack and start our life out here in Washington state. I've never been a west coast girl and I've never even been to the North West - while it's been tough, so very tough, I will say my heart is finally content. I am so proud that you are able to share your feelings and frustrations with us, it takes a strong person to do so. I am just not getting around to admitting I didn't like the move or the area at first - it's been 7 months - but I knew my husband couldn't change his duty station and I knew I needed to be a supportive wife. Your "identity" will come to you, just as your creativity will return, I just know it will because I have faith in you and in Him. For me, it helps to just noodle with your creative medium even if you're not really inspired - maybe you can discover a new pattern that you like, or even a colour palette and then creativity will flow from there. From the bottom of my heart, I pray for you (and of course your family!)

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  30. Yes, I've dealt with all that and then some. And you're right - just because its to be expected doesn't mean its not harder than heck. Bravo to you for being honest and real, Lins. Your words may have blessed someone in ways you may never know. Just rest in Him and continue to be faithful that He has a plan for His daughter and it is AMAZING :-) He may be using this time to prepare you or just draw you closer to Him. I'm praying for you and your beautiful family.

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  31. I totally understand dry spells. I am in one right now. I keep giving this certain problem I'm dealing with up to the Lord and sometimes it feels like it's every 10 minutes that I have to give it over to Him. It's hard, but I know I'm growing. That certainly doesn't make it any easier, but it makes it worth it.

    Hang in there, girl.

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  32. Oh friend. I've been there. It took me at least two years in a new town (with a brand new baby I might add!) before feeling like I wouldn't tear up when I thought of my "real home". But for me I don't think it was about a specific two year timeline of acceptance. It was about God teaching me that no matter where I live on this earth, I will always feel a longing for my real home in heaven. That discomfort is permanent until we reach Jesus. It's purposeful and so so good. It reminds me daily of my need to run to Him. You're doing great. And you'll get back into your groove no doubt. For now, lean into the drought and embrace it. Cause when you reach the well it's going to feel amazing! Hugs!

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  33. I'm there, girl! We packed up our two month old and moved from SC to CT, leaving our precious friends and family far behind. I'm pretty sure that this year will go down as the hardest of my life. We've been here since January and I just now feel like I can keep my head above water. I hated the "this too shall pass" responses that I got from everyone because in the moment, I felt like I would never shake the feeling of restlessness. But it eventually did pass. And through lots and lots of prayer and patience, specifically that I wouldn't wish this time away thinking about when we could get back home, it feels much better now. Now that I'm (sort of) on the other side of it, I can see (sort of) clearly how God worked wonders in our lives over the last few months. We've been stretched and challenged and refined, but I know we'll be better for it. Just keep doing what you're doing :)

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  34. I felt totally lost, alone, and sad when I moved from one city to another in the same state! I moved for law school, and had never felt so alone in my entire life. It was awful, even with my family only an hour away. All my friends and the life that I loved were left behind in Jacksonville. More than 3 years later, I still dont feel like this place is my home (even though we now own a home here, and Im looking for a job here). I still feel like I belong back in Jax. But it has gotten better. I still dont have the friend base I did before, and I still get sad and lonely now and then, but I guess I became comfortable with what my life here was--it wasn't college, it was a different time, and I just had to adjust (as much as I could, I guess!) The thing is, my husband will be going to Korea next year, and the year after that I will be moving with him to NC. So Im anticipating a couple more major adjustments coming up soon, and more seasons of loneliness, Im sure. Im so sorry you are going through this...while I am not a momma, I do understand some of how you are feeling and what it was like to be in that place. Ill be praying for you! It takes some time (unfortunately), but you will come out of the funk you are in :)

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  35. I left Oahu 4.5 years ago and still miss it! Things have gotten easier over the years but it never goes away... If it was possible I would move back in a heartbeat. I also just had a baby and am adjusting to motherhood...which is harder than I expected. I just don't feel like me anymore...am praying daily for patience and trying to trust in God's plan for me.
    Try to remember that God knows what's best for you and your family (even if we don't always agree) and he will guide you to do exactly what you need to be doing at each moment.

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  36. Hi! I love your blog! I love this one because I can relate in so many ways. My hubby and I met in Hawaii and spent the first 3 years of our marriage there. It was so hard to move away for me since that was my home for the past 5 years and although we were now near his family, I was even further from all of mine (Originally from New Zealand). The hardest thing for me when we moved was the cultural difference between Hawaii and the mainland. Hawaii was very much like NZ, everyone was chill and friendly. Here, its harder for me to make friends because..I dont know.. Anyway I was so blessed that my parents were able to come for my babies birth but its so sad even til this day that they are so far away. My baby is 6months now and just growing up so fast and it saddens me that my own parents are not able to see her grow, or even visit often (Tickets are crazy expensive). I am thankful for skype that they can see her and talk to her.... but it really is not the same. I try not to be sad by it and just look at the positive and try to enjoy every moment with my baby girl and husband. Oh and the early months I remember feeling blah. Just make sure you have some "you" time. Do something for you. in your case, paint, or watch a tv show, listen to music, go for a run. Something just for you. It gets better. You are doing an awesome job being a mama!

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  37. I say just do it pick up that paint brush...its something so simple that YOU do. So even if you don't feel like doing it or your to tired even uninspired. You just have to!!!It may not cure the blues but it is a start. I too can relate to the feeling of irrelevance as well as moving from loved ones and becoming a new mom. Make the time to do YOU than the rest of the world around you will follow suit in time maybe not today or tomorrow you will wake up a feel...well..like YOU. You go mama!!

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  38. It's flipping hard to adjust after having a baby. Hard. Your whole life changes, especially as the mom staying home with the baby who demands so much. I hope you figure it out soon. I'm just starting to figure things out myself.

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  39. first of all i want to re confirm what you already know that most of what you feel is totally normal for a new mom. so many changes, hormones, etc can all play into this. i wanted to encourage you with that first. it takes time to figure everything out and transition. remember to give yourself a break, some grace. Let people help you. take some time for yourself even if it's just a trip to target, a nap or 15 minutes alone. do it, you need it. your soul craves it as well. do something creative everyday big or small to keep that spirit alive. you'll be back to yourself in no time. :)

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  40. I don't know anything about the new mom thing, but I do know about moving away from amazing friends. There are still days I long for the friendships I had before we moved from MD. I didn't replace those friendships until college - mostly at the end, 7.5 years later. I have relied on those friendships for encouragement many times. Often in those memories, it is you that encourages me! Remember that you are loved and you are not alone. Call a friend, or two, or fifteen. Just to remember that you are going to make it. I will be praying for you during this time of transition! Sending you a hug... LYLAS!

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  41. life is hard no matter where we are. I feel like I, too, have struggled with being content. I look back with longing at where I was or toward the future where I want to be and sometimes it's so hard to see that God is present in the moments today-- the moments where we wish desperately for something else, the moments where we are so dissatisfied, lonely, hurt, whatever.

    praying for God's peace to wrap you up and wash over you this day.

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  42. Yes, yes, and yes. You are so right saying that it's just a season and it is. I know easier said that done, but don't let those feelings get in the way of enjoying this precious time that passes so quickly. I remember back to those days when I had nothing to do but be the best mama to my new little love and I did take those days for granted, I found myself looking for things to keep me busy when in reality it was such a gift. That picture you included is perfect, soak up this time because before you know both you and him will pass onto a new phase and you will wonder where the time went. Pick up your paintbrush!! Let it out, whatever that looks like. I am such a strong believer that you need to have another outlet in your life besides just mamahood, it makes us better mommies. Whatever that looks like, big or small... you need to get your creativity flowing again. Don't look at others, because that can eat you up like crazy and create lies in your head that are so far from the truth. Your blog is so sweet and real and you are sharing with so many exactly what they need to hear.

    Have you heard of mops?

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    1. I have heard of MOPS! I think there is one nearby, but I guess I feel weird going to it with a newborn... I'll have to look into it more! Thanks for the encouragement, sweet Linsey!

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    2. MOPS is for moms with kids any age from baby in the belly to a baby in kindergarten! There a lots of moms that go with newborns! It feels so good to get out of the house and to know there are other moms out there going through similar struggles in this stage of life!!!

      I had a long labor and emergency cesarean with my first baby, similar to your story. I had a really hard time emotionally afterward. My hormones were all over the place! Your body just went through/is still going through some amazing changes. You are still in your "fourth trimester!" I really did start to feel better after my son turned 3 months old. Hang in there! You are a daughter of the Risen King! A Princess!!!! You are beautiful and precious to him and he loves you so much. Cast all of your cares on Him because He cares for you!!!

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  43. 3 years ago my home moved away from me, that is, my parents moved out of state (to CA from UT). Then, about 15 months ago, my little family moved out of state (from UT to CO). Sometimes I feel silly that it gets me down, because CO and UT are next-door neighbors. But close as they are, it is still so different. All of our family is in UT, except my parents who are even farther, and being away from them has been difficult. We had 3 children when we moved, our 4th arrived just 5 weeks ago. My mother-in-law was able to come out a couple of weeks ago, but other than her, none of our family has met our newest addition. Not having that support system, like I'd had with my first 3, has been difficult. Members of my church have helped, brought meals, and offered friendship, but it just isn't the same as "home".
    Sometimes I feel like it shouldn't bother me as much as it does, being in this new state, partly because it's temporary, partly because we've managed 15 months already, but it does. Little things like autumn, which is much more colorful in UT, and is mostly just yellow here, makes me homesick. Not being able to visit with my sisters whenever, while my children play with their cousins, is hard. I've made some friends here, through church, but we don't get together often. I feel like I barged in on peoples lives here, they already have friends or family nearby, it sometimes makes it feel like I don't have anybody.

    I'm also one who likes to create, but having children makes that difficult to accomplish. It's been a couple of years since I picked up a paintbrush, I barely ever knit.. It doesn't always bother me, but there are times when I feel like, if I could just have a couple hours to myself to paint and get messy, that I would feel better.
    Becoming a mother is an adjustment, and there is more adjustment with each new addition. It is okay to mourn the free time we had before, the life we had before, the body we had before. But not at the expense of the life we have now, or the little people who have changed our lives. You will pick up a paint brush again. The "before" you is still there. It's okay to let some time pass, to become comfortable in this new season, figure out your new normal.

    Maybe putting Si in your wrap would give you a chance to create/paint, or waiting until he's taking a regular nap, and using that free time for yourself? With children you have to get creative so you can get creative. (ha ;)

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    1. Wow, that's a lot to go through-- thanks for sharing. I definitely understand those feelings.I hope you get to visit home soon! I'm in the same place with finding friends-- hate to barge in when people already have their lives here. Hawaii was so different because all of our friends were away from family as well.

      I think that he'd actually do pretty well while I painted-- I just have to get up the energy to do it! I like what you said about "getting creative to get creative". ;)

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  44. Oh friend.
    I am not yet a momma but I still feel your heart in this one. I am going through the same kind of slump. I blog about once a month these days and usually I feel so whiny and emotional. And I create even less often.
    But sometimes life happens. And I think you have to just let it all be. Figure out the moment in front of you and know that the rest will work itself out.
    Oh and we moved to CA from our HOME in Portland, OR a year ago and I have never been so homesick. I actually did write a post all about that. So I completely feel you in that. Don't worry, I'm hopeful it will get better.

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    1. Yeah, homesickness seriously sucks. I think it's one of the worst feelings I've felt. Will have to check out your post! (Do you have a link for it?)

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  45. I just wanted to add my two cents - my son is now 13 months old and I know exactly what you are feeling. Unfortunately, mine got worse and turned into severe PPD. But what you are feeling is completely normal and IT IS OK TO FEEL THAT WAY. I felt so guilty for feeling how I did! I still do sometimes. I have learned that it IS okay. Don't be hard on yourself. Trying to be a mom and a wife and a sister and a daughter and work on top of that is impossible. You just cannot physically, mentally, or emotionally handle all of that at once, especially to be perfect at all of those. Remember that this will not last forever. It WILL get better. Just got to hang in there and snuggle with your little man. Enjoy those peaceful moments when he's staring up at you while you're nursing - that is one of the sweetest moments in life. He'll soon be walking and talking and not wanting to sit still to nurse or eat - I know this all too well! And DO NOT compare yourself to other moms. It is scarce that people are transparent like you have been - most people post only the good things on Facebook or their blogs. When you see that and think the other moms/parents are so perfect, it just gets you even more down in the dumps wondering why you can't be perfect like that! But they are not - they are just not showing that side of things! I hope all these posts help you - looks like you have a lot of 'cyber support' and I hope you have family and friends close as well. Maybe not physically but just a phone call away. Turn to those people and lean on them. God intended for humans to be close with each other - that is why he gave us family and friends. Use them! I'm sure you have been or will be there for them when they need it. It is your turn now. Sending prayers and hugs.

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  46. Thanks for that encouragement, Nicole! I think it definitely doesn't help when we compare ourselves to others (be it other artists, mamas, women, etc.) I'm definitely thankful for all the support from this blogging community-- it kind of amazes me sometimes!

    I hope that you are through PPD -- sounds like you learned a lot and grew from it!

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  47. Oh girl, yes! I think you'd connect to this post by Holly at Create*Loves where she talks about this very thing and how she's dealing with it: http://createloves.blogspot.com/2012/08/a-personal-post-ways-to-simplify.html

    P.S. Your posts are boring to us. I think they just feel that way to you.
    Catherine Denton

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    1. Whoa, I meant NOT boring to us. We enjoy hearing your heart. :)

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  48. The longest I've lived in one place is 10 years. The shortest 18 months. I've moved 8 times. My mom has moved more than double that, she always taught me: Home is where your heart is. Don't look behind you, look where you are and enjoy it because soon, especially with the military, you will be somewhere else looking back on where you are now and wishing new things. The sad stuff will always be sad, we can't really control that, but we can control the things we do today, the happiness we make for ourselves, and the memories we create where we are. Good luck :)

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  49. Right before my second daughter was born, I moved from the city to the suburbs (certainly not the distance you have, but to some of my friends, it might as well have been!), quit working and became a stay at home mom. To say that it was a big lifestyle change is an incredible understatment. I have three babies now (3 1/2, 1 1/2 and 4 weeks!), and my identity has shifted and changed each and every time. Having a new baby is hard enough, but throw in a new home, a new life, etc., it makes it that much harder. But you are right, it is just a season. Once you and your beautiful baby get on a more regular schedule, things will fall back into place. I can pretty much guarantee you that your creative juices will come back, and probably be more inspiring than ever, just give yourself some time. Your body and mind have to do some readjusting after a baby, and you probably don't feel much like yourself yet, but you will. :) And your posts are so far from boring or crappy. I can definitely feel that you are a completely loving and inspired mama, and just going through a rough spell, like ALL mamas do. Just try to be easy on yourself, and though it probably seems like it's been forever, you just need to give yourself an opportunity to enjoy these precious times with your sweet boy, and you'll come back to yourself. :)

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  50. Wow. Lots of love and empathy being lavished upon you in this long line of comments. I hope you are seeing just how relevant all this new-mama honesty is... :) I, too, have been there. Exactly right there. We were in CA when Carsyn, our first, was born and moved to AZ just a couple short weeks after. We left our jobs, our church, our ministry, our home, our friends that had become family, community that was unlike anything we had ever known. We left it all. Everything ended within one month. And then there we were... and right there, in those moments, God began working on our identity, peeling back layer after layer of comfort that we had been so deeply blessed with and exposing our true selves to His light. Sure, some of the post-partum funk is about brain chemistry and emotions and not feeling like yourself and getting a new groove on and you can subscribe to a zillion cute parenting magazines with advice columns full of anecdotes and embarrassing breast feeding stories as you wade through it all. The real story, however, is the one Jesus is writing about who He has created you to be and where your identity truly roots down. There is nothing that challenges our identity like becoming a mother. It changes everything and yet who you are IN HIM does not change a bit. Our biggest life changes reveal our toughest places, the places filled with expectations that need His grace to rush in and lavish us with what is true. Lean into it, like a yoga pose that hurts so good. Press in to those places that have been protected by comforts and community. Allow Him to work out His purposes. You don't have to rush to fix yourself, to make sense of it all. There's no hurry. Your creativity will not fade. It's your gift. There's no use-it-or-lose-it clause. This unique season is part of becoming who you already are, who He has created you to be, and each and every moment is a valuable piece. Much love sista. xo

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  51. A big move? Yes! From Annapolis, where I lived my whole life and where my whole family - parents, aunts, cousins, brother & sister-in-law - still is, across the entire country to Sacramento, CA, where we have no family and no one in our church who is our age. So, yes. Homesickness is so hard!!!!!!!! It's been almost a year and a half, and I still don't feel connected - sorry if that's depressing to share! Part of it is that we can just go out and find a church that provides us the community we lack - like our dear friends are Revolution in Annapolis - because church is our job. So that is my hope and prayer for you. That, no matter how many churches you've tried and how much hope you've lost in the process, you'll find just the right church family. Soon!

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  52. Big move and big life change? Yep. I grew up in New England and loved it. I left for the Military when I was 17 and haven't been back to New England but a small handful of times. I miss my friends, my family and everything else that NE has to offer... especially this time of year, when the leaves change and the air becomes cool and crisp... and here I am, in the Florida Panhandle where, well you live here as well so you see how un 'Fallish' it is lol. It's hard and it does get better with time but I don't think it ever totally goes away. I have been here 10yrs now and from time to time my heart will ache for 'home', and then it will pass and I will be happy and content again with the present. Just keep your chin up Mama. Will be sending some happy thoughts and prayers your way! :)

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  53. I completely understand. I've had these feelings several times now over the past 8 yrs since I became a SAHM. I was a teacher before I had my kids and didn't fully realize until after I was at home with my daughter that pretty much ALL my friends were at my school and still teaching. It made for some very long and sad days sometimes until I was finally able to go and check out a local Moms club when she was about 3 months old. From there I met so many new moms feeling the same way I was and became a part of a "play group" with 5 other moms who all had a baby the same age. It was the best thing that ever happened. Of course 3 month olds can't "play" but their MOMS can and we used to have some
    ALL day play dates sometimes! We'd meet before lunch at one of our houses, picnic, talk and talk and talk and the kids would literally nap in their carriers or on a blanket on the floor. There were days we even watched Oprah at 4:00 together esp if our husbands were out of town or working late. As none of us wanted to go home and be alone doing the "routine" of feeding, diapers, nap, etc. when it was more fun with 4 other people! My kids are older now 8 and 5 and I truly miss those days that I never thought I would. I also have the greatest BF I've ever had that started from those "play dates". The Moms Club I joined is a national organization so maybe check out www.momsclub.org and see if there is a chapter close to you. There is a also MOPS that several of my friends are apart of, we didn't have a local chapter 8 yrs ago as we do now, so maybe check that out too. And last, there is a song by Steven Curtis Chapman that I found a few yrs ago and just
    listened to it on Friday as it always makes me feel better when I wonder "what in the world have I gotten myself into staying at home?" LOL It's called One Heartbeat at a Time. Hope it helps you too. PS I met you briefly at CE (the 1st one) and know you are very sweet and outgoing, so I think you might enjoy one of these Moms groups a lot. Hang in there, of course you know it's all worth it and it REALLY does get better! :) I just told a friend the other day "Wow, ok people were telling the truth, it REALLY DOES get better!" LOL hugs

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  54. What can I add that hasn't been shared? I had my second baby July 6th and I prepared myself like crazy for labor and delivery but forgot that that was just one day and it turns out the easiest day in comparison to what followed. I forgot that life post-partum required patience, help, family and lots of love. I posted this post right after I pulled out of my post partum funk http://mataafa.blogspot.com/2012/09/baby-greysthen-yellows.html and every day since has gotten better! My creative outlet is music, and I was in such a funk that I detested it. The best way to get out of it is doing something just for you. I felt bad doing things just for me, but I also felt overwhelmed by my obligations. Once I found something to do just for me everything started to get better and now life is great. Also, I moved to Utah from NZ (via Hawaii) and my husband is from Hawaii too so it's so strange being away from that aloha spirit. Just know you're inspiring - find others to share your inspiration with and you'll be feeling better in no time knowing that others are on the same boat and happy to know you're there :)

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  55. I'm not a mom, so I can't relate to that part of your post. However, my husband and I just moved from FL to Hawaii and I've been in a major rut lately! I miss Florida so much, I miss my friends, the one hour time difference from my family, and just feeling like I belong somewhere (I'm originally from the south). I like Hawaii so far, it's beautiful and I know theres a lot to explore, but my heart just isn't in it right now. I hope your able to get out of your rut soon and get your creative juices flowing again soon. :-)

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  56. yes, yes and yes! and the one right thing you are doing right now is praying. keep on going on.

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