Wednesday, January 11, 2012

waiting.

Thank you so much for all the sweet comments, congrats and prayers on the news of our little babe! We really feel so blessed that our babe is so loved already and it's so good to be able to share this new adventure with you, finally!

I do know, however, that not every woman will be cheering and squealing with delight at my pregnancy announcement. Why? Because I have been that woman whose heart sinks when I see yet another bump reveal. I understand being conflicted between feeling ecstatic for a newly pregnant friend and sobbing ten minutes later because "When is it my turn?"

My whole life my only "career goal" I've ever had was to be a mom. Oh, I had dreams of being a teacher, an artist, an actress. But I always knew in my heart that I was meant to be a mama. Growing up in a family of 7 kids can do that to a girl. My crazy, happy family gave me a desire to have my own one day. My own strong, faithful mama showed me how it's done. Playing with my nieces and nephews, I'd think about the day when I got to add my own kiddos to the mix of cousins. And marrying Chris solidified my heart's desire to grow a family with this amazing man of God. 

Our path to pregnancy was a tough one, though I'm sure not as tough as many of yours. Along the way, I was diagnosed with hypothryoidism which was screwing with my cycles and throwing a wrench in our plans. I was thankful to get it diagnosed and treated but it was frustrating to be given a diagnosis for something that will follow me throughout life. Thankfully, after a few tries, we've found a good dosage of drugs that keeps my thyroid levels in check. 

After months of me questioning God's timing and a year of trying, Chris and I headed into the doctor's to figure out what the heck was going on in our bodies. I was hit with yet another tough diagnosis, this time, one that shook my world. The doctor told me that I had PCOS, which is basically a hormone disorder of varying degrees that makes it very difficult for some women to conceive and impossible for others. I had no idea where I landed on the scale and I shook with sobs for days as I faced what I thought could be the end to my dreams.

As we shared our diagnosis and struggles with some close friends and family, we were flooded with prayers and encouragement. As painful as it was, I prayed that God would use our situation and use me for His glory. But I was hesitant to do that. I did not want to be an "infertility" blogger and was honestly rather mad that I had this new label.

 As December approached, we started to discuss drug treatments that would give us an edge on that conceiving thing. I prayed and prayed about it and as much as I was dying to become pregnant, I just felt an unease about the drugs. I asked God to be clear with me, if He was giving me these doubts and as I lay in bed praying one morning I heard loud and clear, "Just wait". I've never heard God so clearly before and I didn't know exactly what "just wait" meant but I said "Okay, God, we'll wait on the drugs."

Little did I know that He was really saying "just wait" for that positive test. Because within the week, I started to feel queasy and after hesitantly taking a pregnancy test on Monday morning, I crumpled to the floor in sobs as I saw those two clear lines show up. After countless negative tests, all I could do was lift my hands in thanks to God. We are still praising God for his timing and the miracles he works.

So, to my friends still waiting.... I just wish I could give you a big hug and tell you that I know it sucks. I won't say "Oh, it will happen", because the truth is, I don't know. But I know how hard it is to see so many friends announce their pregnancies and to still be patiently waiting for your turn.

I'm not one to throw Bible verses at a situation. I know that sometimes that's the last thing you want to hear. But not only do I want you to know that I know it sucks, but I hope to offer some encouragement as well. And the He is the best Encourager I know.

" I am still confident of this; I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord, be strong, take heart and wait for the Lord."
Psalm 27:13-14

I am confident that God will bring goodness into your life even through these struggles. He's got plans for you-- awesome, beautiful, good plans. Take heart, dear friend.


(And if you got through the longest blog post ever-- thank you. :)


lindsay


74 comments:

  1. Beautifully written, Lindsay. :)

    That verse applies to so many issues and it is a definite encouragement to me today! Thank you!

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  2. Thank you for writing this! I, too, am in the "waiting" stages and tend to worry about the future more than let God handle it, so this post & verse really resonates with me today.

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  3. Totally know this all too well. Been there as well, but for 3 yrs, and unfortunately the doctors couldn't find anything wrong with me or my husband. I took drugs, did a round of IUI, and then was going to try IUI with meds but we had to come to CO to house hunt for our upcoming PCS move. House hunting is all we needed apparently b/c we got pregnant all on our own while we were in CO. That positive test was the best thing ever! I was so paranoid it wasn't true... I took 4. lol I am now 20 wks along with baby 1. :)

    Congrats again!!

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  4. Thank you so much for your beautiful words and your strong faith. And good luck on your pregnancy!

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  5. Wow, I really appreciate your honesty and even more so, you knowing that saying 'it will happen' is the worst thing to say to someone still waiting for their miracle. It's fantastic that you are pregnant after all those struggles, and I know you will be cherishing it all the more for them. My biggest fear is some unknown health problem lowering my fertility or worse. I too have only ever wanted to be a mother! And I'm not proud to admit, my heart did sink a little when I saw 'another bump' that wasn't my own. Thank you for sharing this information and making me feel a little less jealous, and a little more human.

    All the best for the next 7 or so months, Rosie xx

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  6. Beautifully written. I love, LOVE the way you use your blog for His glory. You truly are a shining light Lindsay!

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  7. Beautifully written post. God is so good. <3

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  8. As always, beautifully written Lindsay! It's a breath of fresh air to read a blog that is so open and honest. I am truly so happy the God had this in his plan for you!

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  9. I really appreciate this post. It was beautifully written and touched my heart. I am "waiting" over here and this was a great reminder that it's okay and there is a plan for me. Congrats to you and Chris :)

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  10. Thank you for sharing your heart Lindsay! This was a beautiful post of God's provision! I'm thankful that you were waiting on the Lord and LISTENING to hear His voice. What a statement of how faithful He truly is!

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  11. Thank you. Glad to know someone knows how it feels.

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  12. Thank you for sharing Lindsay. I struggle because I am 25 and everyone I know around me is married and having babies and although I THOUGHT that's where I'd be at this time; I'm just not quite ready yet. And it's hard to see everyone in a different place and think,"what if I never get there".
    Right now it's hard to imagine having a baby at all. But then i think, "what if I wait too long and it turns out I can't"?
    You are right to remind us to just listen though. You have to know what is best for your family and sometimes that's about waiting.
    Such a great story an I'm truly so happy for you both!

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  13. THank you for sharing. Your strength is beautiful. I was SO THRILLED to see your news the other day and I had no idea the trials behind it. We have two beautiful, amazing girls 3yrs and 5 yrs and found out yesterday God took our 3rd child to be with him in Heaven. I have to say, learning of a loss at such an early stage is much easier when I see SO much new life! I LOVE seeing so many friends and bloggers announcing new pregnancies. So many beautiful new faces are coming this July/August/September. Congratulations to you and thank you for sharing your waiting pain with us. There is comfort in knowing we are not alone as we struggle through God's trials for us! He is so amazing and His plan for us is always perfect! I'm thrilled to read your pregnancy journey this year!!!

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  14. Amen, Lindsay!! May God continue to protect and bless you and your growing family. Thank you for sharing your journey thru your blog. God is using you to be an encouragement to me and countless others. =) God is so good!

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  15. praises for answered prayers.

    and thank you for the verse. definitely needed today

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  16. This brought tears to my eyes.
    Praise the Lord and His perfect plans!

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  17. praise the Lord! what an awesome, awesome post, lindsay!

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  18. This is such a beautiful post. I'm so happy for you & Chris! You will make such wonderful parents.

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  19. amen! beautifully and honestly put.
    i too struggled for years, we've been married for 11 yrs and have an almost 3 yr old.

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  20. Nicely written. I kinda sorta know how it feels. It took us about a year with two miscarriages along the way before we had baby #1 and now I am preganant with baby #3 due in May. One of my very close friends had just given birth to her daughter when I had my first miscarriage and it was extremly difficult to put on a happy face for her but I did even though I was aching inside. Hope you start feeling better soon:) congrats again!

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  21. Love your vulnerability here. It took us almost a year to get pregnant and each negative test was like a punch in the gut. I remember a very raw prayer one month telling God that I didn't know if I could handle another negative. The next one I took was positive and almost a year later, here I am holding our sweet boy. You're right, He is so, so good.

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  22. :) I smiled when I read that your career goal was to be a mom. From when I was little, all the way into college, my friends would ask me what I wanted to do and I'd say "Be a mom." Yes, while going for a bachelors degree my real goal was to be a mom haha. I'm so happy for you and excited to watch your belly and your family grow. When that little one comes you're going to see the world in a whole new way. It's so amazing and such a blessing.

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  23. Such a beautiful post. Yes, the Lord is so good. I'm thrilled for you and your little blessing. :)

    ~Laura
    http://lauraunrefined.blogspot.com/

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  24. As someone who still privately struggles with infertility, it is great to see your honesty here. I'm going on 4 years and did the drugs and 4 IVfs and one 12 week miscarriage later, we're now at a dead end. We're really not sure what our path will be, but like you said, we need to trust there is a plan.

    Congrats to you and I hope you have a successful pregnancy. We always said when it does happen for us, it will feel so special and we'll so appreciate it. I know you are feeling that exact same way now.

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  25. You are going to be a wonderful mom. Blessings to you and that little one!

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  26. That Bible verse has gotten me through many tough times! Congratulations again. & infertility is not a death sentence on motherhood; there's always the wonder of adoption.

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  27. oh you are totally talking about me! I am happy for people and sometimes sad for me, I have PCOS and am still waiting. beautiful post! i can't say that enough. beautiful post! So wonderful. Made me cry!

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  28. and I only hope one day i can crumple to the floor and lift my hands and gift thanks to God!

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  29. I myself have PCOS and worry about what the future holds (though I'm not married or engaged) in the baby department. But your words are an encouragement nonetheless. So thanks. <3

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  30. what a lovely post...and as weird as it may sound, i feel like you're writing straight to me. i am so excited for everyone that i know who is getting pregnant, but constantly wondering when it's going to be my turn. now i'm super excited for you, especially hearing your heartwarming story. you are going to be fabulous parents because you care so much about that little one and you had to go through so much to bring him or her into the world!

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  31. You are a godsend! Thank you so much for writing this! Only women that have truly been thru it can nderstand and every word you just said went straight to my heart. I am so ecstatic that you have been blessed with this amazing miracle! I have the exact diagnosis as you and 4 years later still no luck but after reading this I hope to have your strength and listen to god.

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  32. God works in such amazing ways! I am truly happy for you and you are an encouragement! Thank you also for reminding me this beautiful Bible verse. It applies to so many situations. XOXO!

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  33. i love this post! i am so, so happy for you. i can't imagine the joy you're feeling right now! i know how it feels to want something so bad yet not have it... and at the same time, watch so many other people achieve it effortlessly. after a year and a half of trying, my husband and i found out that it WASN'T going to "just happen." ever, probably. we recently began the journey to adopt and we are SO excited!!

    people sure can say some insensitive things when they don't know any better. this post makes me so happy. :)

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  34. Praise God for you listening to His voice. Amazing story, thanks for sharing!

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  35. Growing up, my only real dream was: find my soul mate and become a wife (I married my soul mate, Jen, on September 13th, 2007!) Become a work from home artist (working on that and also HAVE been doing that since last year) and have a baby OR adopt a baby. My wife is transgender, Male-to-Female, so we may end up with our own little one or we may adopt. Neither of us care one way or another, a little one is a little one and will have such love from us whether we birth him or her or someone else does.

    I'm not a very religious girl, I'm much more spiritual as I am Wiccan, however I know exactly what you mean. We Witches pray as well, hard and strong. I've prayed for my family, my friends and myself. Prayer and the power of the universe - whether that's God, Goddess, spirit or what have you - is amazing.

    I really am SO happy for y'all and I can't wait to follow you on this magickal journey of motherhood!!!

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  36. Thank you for writing this post. It means so much. I am "waiting". The Bible verse was perfect. Thank you for the encouragement.

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  37. I have yet to give my congrats, so, congratulations! My best friend went through the same thing. After a tough time and loosing a baby once she just delivered a little girl in December named Grace. God is good all the time! Never give up on God and always pray for his will!

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  38. What a beautifully written post. I know the struggles and the sadness that come with PCOS and that makes your little boy or girl that much more of a blessing. God works in mysterious ways for sure, and he will watch over you for the remainder of your pregnancy. I will continue to hold your growing family in my thoughts and prayers! I am so very happy for you, from the bottom of my heart! It is almost as if another homerun came for team PCOS and it is a story of success like this that makes me think one day will be our turn, despite this ugly monster!

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  39. I wanted to say thank you for writing this - I don't have PCOS (as far as I know) and we aren't trying for kids just yet, but I have SO many friends who are struggling with infertility and it's so great that you can be so upfront and honest about your experiences. Thankfully the curtain has sort of been drawn back on infertility and I feel as though it's becoming less of a "taboo" to talk about. Best of luck with your pregnancy and again, congrats!

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  40. Great post!! I was in sort of the same situation once too. Except that I don't have PCOS or thyroid problems... My husband was deployed for a year and there was clearly no way I was going to get pregnant. It was definitely a struggle for me to WAIT for God's timing. But now that I'm pregnant {and my husband is HOME}, I wouldn't change it for the world. =)

    Congratulations! I am SO happy for you!

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  41. Lindsay,

    Thanks for your honesty here. I may not be one of those women who struggles with this, BUT it breaks my heart to know women who do because babies are such a gift and not being able to have them, when you want them so badly...oh, how hard that must be!

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  42. Thank you for sharing your heart on this issue. This was beautifully written and will for sure be a blessing to so many.

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  43. Thanks for writing this, Lindsay. I can totally relate. I just recently "came out" on my blog as struggling with infertility. I too don't want to turn the focus on that. However, I realize that there are way too many of us struggling with this for anyone to feel alone. Honestly, when I saw your announcement the other night, I had a hard time. It's easy to beat myself up, but I've learned that I'm only human and those feelings are perfectly normal. I really am so happy for you.
    My husband and I have been trying for nearly 3 years, so I know these feelings all too well. Our infertility is directly related to my husband being a leukemia survivor. Cancer doesn't stop effecting you at remission. We have been seeing a fertility specialist for about a year and are in the process of changing doctors. Really hoping that this is our year!
    Anyway, CONGRATULATIONS! Enjoy every second. I know you will. Can't wait to watch your cute little bump grow and can't wait to see the adorable little one.
    Blessings!

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  44. Beautiful post Lindsay! It was such a great read and such an inspiration. We all go through life wondering when it will be our turn... whether it's for a job, or marriage, or a baby. I think everyone can relate to this post. Congrats on the baby! Many prayers are coming your way! :)

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  45. beautiful testimony, lins! love you and your little one!

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  46. this was a beautiful and heartfelt blog post, thank you for taking the time to address those whos shoes you were in at one time as your words of encouragement and the message from God when he spoke to you can speak to people in many situations and I appreciated clicking on your blog via my dashboard and coming acorss your words.
    Thank you and enjoy the heck outta your pregnancy and sleep now! Because once baby arrives you wont sleep a full night until the baby is like 3 years old :)

    xoxo!
    Des.

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  47. beautiful post, Lindsay! Thank you for your honesty and letting us share in this moment with you!

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  48. oh my goodness this made me tear up... I'm happy for you and your husband and will be thinking of you in the months to come :)

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  49. Lindsay, that was beautiful. Thank you for sharing. I definitely cheered up!

    Congratulations, again! I know you are going to be the best mother that little peanut could ever have!

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  50. Congratulations again on your little bump of joy! I love what you wrote today! I also have PCOS and was lucky enough to be blessed with a baby. It is funny how they come when they are meant to. We did the treatments on and off for years. When we finally gave up and adjusted to the idea that we were going to be childless, there were the two lines!

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  51. Lindsay - thanks for sharing your journey! I just want to encourage you about PCOS from a Chiropractor's wife's perspective. It is a VERY generic diagnosis. I received the same news from my OB just last year, and am happy to report that after a year of regular (weekly, then monthly) chiropractic adjustments and a slight diet change (I was never overweight, 115 lbs and 5'2''... however, my mom is a dietitian and advised me to start eating smaller meals throughout the day and switching to a nearly all organic diet) my cycles have slowly but surely regulated, and even my ovulation cycle is now predictable (though not the typical length). This is a lot of info but I have done tons of research and my husband is a D.C. so please please feel free to email me if you are interested in more information or have questions because this is an issue I feel like I've become an expert on!! And of course, I defer all medical questions to my husb :)

    Y'all have been blessed for sure! I'm so happy that you have seen God's perfect timing come to fruition!

    - Emily @ ILYThen

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  52. I have to say, I am SO SO SO glad you added this post after your reveal. It makes me feel so much better about my own life and feelings, and that you aren't just another blogger who wants us to think her life is perfect, therefore making us jealous. So thank you!

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  53. Thank you for sharing so honestly. I am so happy for you but I must admit this year I've been thinking a lot about "my turn". I'm struggling with different health issues but ones that make it necessary to wait. Thanks for pouring out your heart as it has done some healing in my own heart knowing I am not alone in that struggle. I am overjoyed that God has worked in your life this way and has blessed you with a baby. Will be keeping all three of you in prayer.

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  54. this post brought me to tears. thank you for sharing. what a beautiful testimony of God's faithfulness. sometimes i struggle with jealousy when i see new announcements of pregnancy because we have at least another year and a half until we can even think about having kids (when joel is done with his PhD & is employed by a university) because right now we have minimal insurance coverage. i worry about having problems conceiving once we finally get to that point. but i just need to give it to God and trust him. anyway, i am really happy for you & can't wait to hear about your pregnancy & see your baby bump grow. i'll be praying that you feel better and that the baby stays healthy!

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  55. thank you for your honesty, Lindsay. This was a truly beautiful post and speaks to your beauty from the inside out. Yes, it is hard to read and see announcements (even from people I don't know in real life) in the blog world, as woman who knows it isn't her time (yet). I have so much respect for you in sharing this after announcing your news with honest sincerity. Thank you...I'm sure I'll read this post a few more times in the future <3

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  56. Tears in my eyes. Thank you for sharing this with us. Although I'm not at the time in my life where I'm thinking about babies I do wonder what would happen if I had difficulties conceiving. I also have friends that have gone through such hard times and I think just knowing stories like this are reason for hope.

    I'm so happy you've gotten your miracle. I know you're going to be an amazing mom.

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  57. what a beautifully written post sweetie! i am soo happy for you~!!

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  58. Missed your announcement so happy for you!

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  59. such an amazing post! thanks for sharing, friend. i want you to know that you ministered to me in more ways than you know since i am in my own waiting stages (not for pregnancy - though that will be me one day too i'm sure!). some days are harder than most when it comes to waiting on God's plan, so thanks for the encouragement and the reminder. love you!

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  60. Lindsey! I hadn't been around in a while, so to return to news such as this has been a huge treat!!! I'm so happy for you and I'll say a prayer that your pregnancy goes as smoothly as possible!

    I'm just days away from the end of mine, and though I can't say it's flown by, I can say I'm truly going to miss it. For 9+ months you and you alone hold your child closer than anyone ever will. It's a bittersweet thought at the end knowing it's over, but obviously the next step in the journey is pretty cool too (or at least that's what I hear:-)).

    Also, your encouragement to others dealing with delayed hopes and dreams is so appropriate and generous. I can only say I partly understand, as I also was diagnosed with PCOS and it took us nearly a year to conceive. But so many women endure periods so much longer than I did and it's hard to imagine the heartache such news can bring. Your compassion is truly worth more than gold.

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  61. Congrats on your little blessing! What a miracle it is!!! I loved your post! I definitely brought tears to my eyes! I love how sweet our God is and He always leads us and comforts us when we need Him! Praying blessing of health over you and your baby!!! <3

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  62. This is a beautiful post, Lindsay. Thanks for sharing your heart. :)

    xo!

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  63. Hi Linds! This is moving! Thanks for being so open. I love what you shared about hearing God's voice. Chicken skin ;) you're awesome!

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  64. Oh Lindsay, this post makes me all the more joyful for your happy news!

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  65. Lindsey! Thanks do much for sharing! So sweet that your little baby already has an amazing testimony! :)

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  66. Happy for you! I could use some prayers though.

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  67. i got chills reading this. seriously. God is so amazing & knew exactly when you & Chris were going to be parents! i'm SO thrilled for you guys!

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  68. Wow, what a testimony! I am SO happy for you and your hubby. We serve a great, God!!

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  69. wishing you the most glorious pregnancy! :) gina

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  70. When I read your original pregnancy annoucement post, I was excited for you. I've been reading your blog for about a year an a half and enjoyed it. However, I was so disgusted reading this post. It sounds as though you're trying to encourage others and maybe you had good intentions but I think this was just a slap in the face to all those women who are going through fertility problems. There are women who have struggled with trying for YEARS, going through IVF, miscarriages and you seriously have the nerve to talk about your fertility issues because you had to try for a year? In most cases with most normal couples, it can take up to a year to concieve. And if i'm not mistaken your husband was also deployed for part of this past year so you can't even say you were actively trying for a year. Maybe you're used to getting what you want the second you get it but there are thousands of women out there who would LOVE to be able to get pregnant after trying for ONLY a year. I myself have suffered pregnancy loss while a good friend has struggled with infertility for seven years and I remember telling me that this was a post that had her in tears. She is, however, so glad that your long year of infertility ended so you didn't have to become another infertility blogger. I wish you a sucessful pregnancy and a healthy baby. I just wanted you to know how insulting and hurtful this post has been to some.

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  71. Anon-- I think you bring up a valid point, but honestly, because of the absolutely disgusting and hurtful comments left under your account, I can't even take you seriously. Instead of deleting your comment like I usually do, I'll address this one because I actually *sort of* agree with your point and feel the need to address it for other readers, not for you.

    I wrote this post as a way to share my own journey of waiting. I acknowledge in the post that I realize it's not nearly as long as some women wait, but this is my blog where I share my own experiences and struggles. Of course there are women that have MUCH harder struggles with infertility. It breaks my heart and obviously I haven't been in their shoes to say I know what that seven year wait is like. But if we always fear sharing our struggles because someone else has it harder, then where would that get us? Just because other women have a longer wait, or tougher struggles doesn't make my own any less real to me. I can't and won't apologize for sharing my heart and journey. And no matter where my readers and friends are in their struggles, I hope I can meet them halfway with some sort of encouragement. And I'm so very very thankful for the women that have shared their stories with me in the comments above as well as through email. It makes me feel privileged that my words *can* encourage some.

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  72. I know this is an old post, but I just stumbled upon your blog. Your induction date is my birthday, I hope he makes it sooner than that for you. Reading your story almost made me cry. Only because I get it. I was born with out a thyroid gland and have the symptoms of hypo. As well I have hypopituitarism and PCOS. With every diagnosis it was days of grieving for my life long dream to be a mom. Then I would say to myself, stop it! You won't ever be a mother if you believe you can't. We have tried for 3 years, even tried adopting which just was a worse process for us. Finally I let it go, as soon as I did I lost 50lbs that took me 4 years to get off. My body started going into the right mode, an on July 4th we found out the best news ever. We are expecting, due on my dads birthday. I know that punch in the gut feeling Everytime a friend or loved one was expecting. I would feel jealous and I hated myself for it, they deserved their little one too, not just me. I am 10 weeks tomorrow and am the most nerve racked I've ever been, but that morning sickness is helping me feel reassured. Congratulations to you and your husband, I know how it feels and I know you will be such a wonderful mama! Good luck through your birth experience and I hope it is everything you want it to be!

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  73. Hello everyone, i am here to share my testimony on how i conceived my baby. by the help of a spell caster called Dr aza, i have been married to my husband for 12years without no issue.i had problems with my in-laws even my husband started to have new affairs aside our marriage. it was a very terrible thing to bear. i became a laughing stock among my pear, i prayed and fasted and nothing happened. i was now seen as always unhappy.i was even ready to pack out of my marital home and stay on my own because my husband was not given me any attention that i needed from him. i decided to focus on my job and try to live happy on my own. on this faithful day, i decided to check the internet for updates on healthy living and i came across a story of a woman called mercy, saying that Dr aza helped her with a spell that make her to conceive a baby. i decided to give him a try because this has been my greatest problem in life. today i am a proud mother with a son. words will not be enough to explained what this man did for me.i am a happy mother,i know there is someone in same condition and you feel there is no way. i urge you to contact him. This is the solution to every single mother around the globe. distance is not a barrier, he will surely make your dreams come trough. contact him today via email: azaspellcaster@gmail.com you can call him or whatsApp his number +2348107155060

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